Chapter Twenty - Loss
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Bella
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My head was pounding as I struggled to open my eyes and they burned from the strain. There was only blackness. My mind was muddled and fuzzy almost like being trapped inside a dreaming state with no escape. My limbs felt heavy like they were weighted by some imaginary force. I could move but the effort it took seem to sear my muscles and tendons.
Where the Hell was I?
As my body and mind slowly crept back to the forefront of my consciousness I tried feeling around for some clue as to my location. There was something like a mattress under me and beneath it a cold concrete floor. As my hands searched out what my eyes could not I felt nothing but cinder-block walls around me. The synthetic stone was cool and hard beneath my fingertips and it succeeded in robbing me of what I so desperately needed right now, hope.
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Bella
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My head was pounding as I struggled to open my eyes and they burned from the strain. There was only blackness. My mind was muddled and fuzzy almost like being trapped inside a dreaming state with no escape. My limbs felt heavy like they were weighted by some imaginary force. I could move but the effort it took seem to sear my muscles and tendons.
Where the Hell was I?
As my body and mind slowly crept back to the forefront of my consciousness I tried feeling around for some clue as to my location. There was something like a mattress under me and beneath it a cold concrete floor. As my hands searched out what my eyes could not I felt nothing but cinder-block walls around me. The synthetic stone was cool and hard beneath my fingertips and it succeeded in robbing me of what I so desperately needed right now, hope.
It was very cold in my dark prison and my body shivered in protest. I wrapped my arms around myself trying to keep my panicking emotions at bay. My bare hands met with the scratchy fabric of my wool parka. Quickly, I shoved my hands deep into the pockets searching out my salvation. I don’t know why I thought that anyone that would kidnap me would be stupid enough to leave me my cell phone. If these people or things knew anything about me then they undoubtedly knew who my husband was. Considering Jazz was well known for his lack of mercy it only led me to believe they also knew what he was capable of. That thought frightened me more than the darkness of my cell.
If these people suffered some ill will with Jasper there was no telling what they would do to me, to us, to get back at him.
My husband is a kind and caring man but very few know Jasper’s true nature like I did for he rarely showed it in public. He always played calm and collected in front of those he would consider to be work associations, even some of our friends. But everyone was well versed in Jazz’s temper. It was what he was known for. It took a lot of pushing him - excluding situations where I was concerned - to set him off but if you ever came to have the grave misfortune of meeting that temper… I pray for your soul.
If these people suffered some ill will with Jasper there was no telling what they would do to me, to us, to get back at him.
My husband is a kind and caring man but very few know Jasper’s true nature like I did for he rarely showed it in public. He always played calm and collected in front of those he would consider to be work associations, even some of our friends. But everyone was well versed in Jazz’s temper. It was what he was known for. It took a lot of pushing him - excluding situations where I was concerned - to set him off but if you ever came to have the grave misfortune of meeting that temper… I pray for your soul.
The fight from yesterday seemed silly now. I still feel like the jackass should have told me about my father but I had always trusted his judgment before and the one time I don’t look where I end up.
I don’t think for a second that Jasper’s intentions were to hurt me I don’t think the man could ever consciously hurt me. His silence and his distance were for my own good. He trusted me to trust in his ability to take care of me. I’m sure now that everything he had done was to ensure my safety. In the past when Jasper wouldn’t tell me things I would wait patiently for him and he never failed to tell me when it was all over.
He knew telling me about my father would make me venerable and it did.
In this black Hell I was desperate for his arms and the sweet smell of his skin. It was a yearning for the comfort only he could offer me and I was sick without him. My stomach lurched over and over but and I sat there dry heaving until my throat burned from the acid and my eyes were sore from the constriction of my breath.
I laid on that thin mattress for what felt like days. My watch was taken along with most of my personal items leaving with no concept of my time here. I surmised this was what they wanted, for me to suffer. My stomach was empty and my bladder was full and I was extremely close to having to alleviate on myself to stop the pain forming in my back. I knew it was my kidneys. The doctor had forewarned me about frequent urination with the usage of Iron pills I was taking for my anemia.
Eventually I had no choice but to squat in a corner and try not allow any wetness to seep into my clothes. I would surly freeze to death if I did.
I laid on that mattress for a while more counting the seconds until Jazz and Emmett would brake down the door and rescue me from this nightmare.
I don’t think for a second that Jasper’s intentions were to hurt me I don’t think the man could ever consciously hurt me. His silence and his distance were for my own good. He trusted me to trust in his ability to take care of me. I’m sure now that everything he had done was to ensure my safety. In the past when Jasper wouldn’t tell me things I would wait patiently for him and he never failed to tell me when it was all over.
He knew telling me about my father would make me venerable and it did.
In this black Hell I was desperate for his arms and the sweet smell of his skin. It was a yearning for the comfort only he could offer me and I was sick without him. My stomach lurched over and over but and I sat there dry heaving until my throat burned from the acid and my eyes were sore from the constriction of my breath.
I laid on that thin mattress for what felt like days. My watch was taken along with most of my personal items leaving with no concept of my time here. I surmised this was what they wanted, for me to suffer. My stomach was empty and my bladder was full and I was extremely close to having to alleviate on myself to stop the pain forming in my back. I knew it was my kidneys. The doctor had forewarned me about frequent urination with the usage of Iron pills I was taking for my anemia.
Eventually I had no choice but to squat in a corner and try not allow any wetness to seep into my clothes. I would surly freeze to death if I did.
I laid on that mattress for a while more counting the seconds until Jazz and Emmett would brake down the door and rescue me from this nightmare.
They didn’t come.
The blackness was threatening to consume me and my depression was eating away at my spirit with each passing second. I screamed for a while begging the darkness for a respite. My only answer was emptiness and the echoes of my own voice.
I screamed and I wailed. I pleaded and begged for them to let me go.
I was starting to feel weak again and my eyes became heavier. I welcomed it. At least in my dream I could be back home.
The blackness was threatening to consume me and my depression was eating away at my spirit with each passing second. I screamed for a while begging the darkness for a respite. My only answer was emptiness and the echoes of my own voice.
I screamed and I wailed. I pleaded and begged for them to let me go.
I was starting to feel weak again and my eyes became heavier. I welcomed it. At least in my dream I could be back home.
Jasper
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I felt lost. Hopeless and lost. It had been thirty-eight hours since Bella’s disappearance and with each passing second I fell further into my own despair. The family tried to be as supportive as they could dealing with their own grief but I found no solace among them. My emotions warred with themselves starting with guilt and regret, quickly escalating to anger then to rage. It was an ever ending circle jerk and I became a ticking time bomb ready to blow at a moments notice.
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I felt lost. Hopeless and lost. It had been thirty-eight hours since Bella’s disappearance and with each passing second I fell further into my own despair. The family tried to be as supportive as they could dealing with their own grief but I found no solace among them. My emotions warred with themselves starting with guilt and regret, quickly escalating to anger then to rage. It was an ever ending circle jerk and I became a ticking time bomb ready to blow at a moments notice.
And I did.
I snapped at everyone and broke down frequently. I was a torrent of vile outbursts spiraling out of control and demolishing everything in my wake. The others told me they understood and I believed that they did for the most part. I knew that in their heart each and every one of them blamed me even in its smallest entirety.
I couldn’t begrudge them. I blamed me too.
Carlisle and Esme were with me often but I could see the hurt in both their eyes. Esme had begged me to tell Bella what was going on and she was right.
If I had… There were so many ifs. All the things I could have differently, better.
I snapped at everyone and broke down frequently. I was a torrent of vile outbursts spiraling out of control and demolishing everything in my wake. The others told me they understood and I believed that they did for the most part. I knew that in their heart each and every one of them blamed me even in its smallest entirety.
I couldn’t begrudge them. I blamed me too.
Carlisle and Esme were with me often but I could see the hurt in both their eyes. Esme had begged me to tell Bella what was going on and she was right.
If I had… There were so many ifs. All the things I could have differently, better.
Alice seemed to be the most understanding which surprised me but I think she felt a little guilty too, even if she had no reason. It was my order to keep Alistair’s attack a secret and it was my call that kept Bella from knowing the extent of the danger she was in.
Emmett refused to speak to me other than aiding me in any task that would lead us closer to Bella. He wasn’t showing it but I could tell he was just as torn apart as I was. He only hit me once but I could tell he would have killed me if he hadn’t thought about Bella. I never fought back against him.
I didn’t want to.
I deserved this.
Emmett refused to speak to me other than aiding me in any task that would lead us closer to Bella. He wasn’t showing it but I could tell he was just as torn apart as I was. He only hit me once but I could tell he would have killed me if he hadn’t thought about Bella. I never fought back against him.
I didn’t want to.
I deserved this.
All of it.
Rosalie had no problem holding me accountable for what transpired and I can‘t blame her. She has physically attacked me more than a handful of times. In fact it seemed as though she couldn’t look upon my face without wanting to tear it off.
Every second that passed was a new misery that drew me to one inevitable conclusion. This was my payment for all my sins. All my past evils coming back from the grave to stare me in the face. She means more to me than the waking world and it was my fault this had happened.
Bella is all that is good, clean and pure in my life and because of my foolishness I may never see her again.
Rosalie had no problem holding me accountable for what transpired and I can‘t blame her. She has physically attacked me more than a handful of times. In fact it seemed as though she couldn’t look upon my face without wanting to tear it off.
Every second that passed was a new misery that drew me to one inevitable conclusion. This was my payment for all my sins. All my past evils coming back from the grave to stare me in the face. She means more to me than the waking world and it was my fault this had happened.
Bella is all that is good, clean and pure in my life and because of my foolishness I may never see her again.
I’ve tried leaving many times. I felt we should be out scouring the streets but Carlisle had pleaded with me to just sit tight. He had something in the works or so he told me. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Every corner I turned I saw her face and it was eating me alive. I couldn’t stay in our bedroom here and I couldn’t even stand the thought of being in our apartment where Bella’s possessions would haunt me further.
So I hid in my study like the coward I was. Hiding from truths I didn’t want to utter for the simple fact that it would make it a reality. My Hell on earth.
So I hid in my study like the coward I was. Hiding from truths I didn’t want to utter for the simple fact that it would make it a reality. My Hell on earth.
I could hear footsteps approaching my sanctuary and the aggravated voice of my sister in law. “Oh for Christ Sake. He needs to pull his head out of his ass and be a man.” Rosalie spit as she drew closer. “He got her into this now he’s gonna’ get her out!”
Bang. Bang. Bang.
“Open up, you sorry piece of shit!” Rosalie yelled through the thick oak door.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
“Open up, you sorry piece of shit!” Rosalie yelled through the thick oak door.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
“I know you can hear me, Jasper. Is this how’s it going to be now? Something gets scary and you run and hide.”
I knew what she was doing. She was baiting me… and it was working.
I felt my hackles raise and my skin begin to turn hot. My breathing was becoming more shallow and my heart rate picked up speed. My temper was flaring.
“Emmett! Get this damn door open. Let me in Jasper. Bella is out there scared and all alone while you lock yourself up in the study like the pussy that you are. This is your fault you know. If she dies it’s on your hands.”
That did it.
I flew across the room yanking the door open breaking the lock and splintering the door in the process. Rosalie’s face paled a few shades in my presence.
I knew what she was doing. She was baiting me… and it was working.
I felt my hackles raise and my skin begin to turn hot. My breathing was becoming more shallow and my heart rate picked up speed. My temper was flaring.
“Emmett! Get this damn door open. Let me in Jasper. Bella is out there scared and all alone while you lock yourself up in the study like the pussy that you are. This is your fault you know. If she dies it’s on your hands.”
That did it.
I flew across the room yanking the door open breaking the lock and splintering the door in the process. Rosalie’s face paled a few shades in my presence.
“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT!” I cried out smashing my hand through what was left of the door. “DO YOU THINK I DON’T BLAME MYSELF!”
As I yelled with all my might I noticed Rosalie eying something on the ground.
I slid down onto my knees and with trembling hands picked up the metal object at my sister’s feet. It was cold and smooth against my palm and the chain that tickled my forearm sent chills down my spine. “Oh… God,” I wept holding Bella’s locket close to my heart. “I’ll never…forgive…myself.”
“That’s up to.” Rosalie stated coldly but softened as she joined me in the floor and held me as I cried myself out. “Look right now, my sister needs you, your baby needs you. You gotta’ get up, Jazz.”
“Bro, now might not be a good time but Carlisle got something. He’s in his office.” Emmett told me bending down to help me off the floor.
Rosalie was right I was doing nothing by sitting in here but fueling my own selfish guilt. I steeled myself for the aching times to come. I would get a hold of myself. I would find her and as God is my fuckin’ witness those Volturi fucks will die by my hands.
I would find a way to bring her home and God willing get her to forgive me. I had to there was no other choice even if she hated me for the rest of her life I would find away to make her safe again.
I quickly opened the clasp and secured Bella’s locket around my neck. I had a good idea where it came from but I couldn’t think about that right now and do what needed to be done.
“Let me clean up.” I told Emmett in passing as I headed for the guest bedroom. I was strong in my resolve to keep it together but I didn’t dare tempt the fates by going in our room. Not yet.
As I yelled with all my might I noticed Rosalie eying something on the ground.
I slid down onto my knees and with trembling hands picked up the metal object at my sister’s feet. It was cold and smooth against my palm and the chain that tickled my forearm sent chills down my spine. “Oh… God,” I wept holding Bella’s locket close to my heart. “I’ll never…forgive…myself.”
“That’s up to.” Rosalie stated coldly but softened as she joined me in the floor and held me as I cried myself out. “Look right now, my sister needs you, your baby needs you. You gotta’ get up, Jazz.”
“Bro, now might not be a good time but Carlisle got something. He’s in his office.” Emmett told me bending down to help me off the floor.
Rosalie was right I was doing nothing by sitting in here but fueling my own selfish guilt. I steeled myself for the aching times to come. I would get a hold of myself. I would find her and as God is my fuckin’ witness those Volturi fucks will die by my hands.
I would find a way to bring her home and God willing get her to forgive me. I had to there was no other choice even if she hated me for the rest of her life I would find away to make her safe again.
I quickly opened the clasp and secured Bella’s locket around my neck. I had a good idea where it came from but I couldn’t think about that right now and do what needed to be done.
“Let me clean up.” I told Emmett in passing as I headed for the guest bedroom. I was strong in my resolve to keep it together but I didn’t dare tempt the fates by going in our room. Not yet.
Twenty minutes later I was at the doorway to Carlisle’s office. The double doors were shut and there were muffled male voices coming from within.
Taking a deep breath and letting it out I opened the door and was met by the hateful glare of my brother.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” Edward growled at me.
My eyebrows hit the roof at his inane question. Was he really that stupid to think I wouldn’t be involved. Bella was my wife and as much as everything was my fault Edward played his own little role in this tale.
“What the fuck am I doing here?” I asked him sarcastically folding my arms over my chest. “What the fuck do you think you idiot?”
“Are you here to see what else you can do to kill Bella?” Edward asked in a sneer dropping the map he was currently holding to mimic my pose.
Carlisle hissed at him telling him to be quiet but Edward was never one to actually listen before he opened his cocksucker.
“Because you love her I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.”
Edward scoffed at me. “Why? Does the truth hurt, you monster?”
Taking a deep breath and letting it out I opened the door and was met by the hateful glare of my brother.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” Edward growled at me.
My eyebrows hit the roof at his inane question. Was he really that stupid to think I wouldn’t be involved. Bella was my wife and as much as everything was my fault Edward played his own little role in this tale.
“What the fuck am I doing here?” I asked him sarcastically folding my arms over my chest. “What the fuck do you think you idiot?”
“Are you here to see what else you can do to kill Bella?” Edward asked in a sneer dropping the map he was currently holding to mimic my pose.
Carlisle hissed at him telling him to be quiet but Edward was never one to actually listen before he opened his cocksucker.
“Because you love her I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.”
Edward scoffed at me. “Why? Does the truth hurt, you monster?”
My vision tunneled and my instincts kicked in. I tackled him to the ground pinning him and using his head like a battering ram for marble. “You stupid motherfucker.” I growled slamming his head into the marble again. Edward’s eyes were rolling around in his head like a animated character. “This is just as much your fault. You brought the Volturi to her. You and your fuckin’ jealousy!”
I hit him several more times before Emmett got a good lock on my arms and hauled me off of Edward’s bleeding body. The room was defended by the multiple shouts for us to stop and the barbed insults being thrown back and forth. Carlisle had a hold of Edward’s arms as he flailed against him slinging the blood from his face over the desk and its contents.
“Enough!”
The room stopped and everything went silent. I turned along with my brothers and my father to gaze upon the three angriest women I had seen in a long time. They stood in the doorway with their delicate arms crossed over their chest and their toes tapping in sync to some terrible rhythm.
“Is this how you plan to get my daughter back? By ripping each other apart.” Esme hissed out. “This solves nothing.” she said with a tear stained snarl, making an out ward x with her arms as she flung them down to her sides.
“There’s a man here who say’s he can find Bella.” Alice almost whispered and I don’t know if that was because she was afraid to get her hopes up or because she was afraid I might kill him before I got any answers.
I hit him several more times before Emmett got a good lock on my arms and hauled me off of Edward’s bleeding body. The room was defended by the multiple shouts for us to stop and the barbed insults being thrown back and forth. Carlisle had a hold of Edward’s arms as he flailed against him slinging the blood from his face over the desk and its contents.
“Enough!”
The room stopped and everything went silent. I turned along with my brothers and my father to gaze upon the three angriest women I had seen in a long time. They stood in the doorway with their delicate arms crossed over their chest and their toes tapping in sync to some terrible rhythm.
“Is this how you plan to get my daughter back? By ripping each other apart.” Esme hissed out. “This solves nothing.” she said with a tear stained snarl, making an out ward x with her arms as she flung them down to her sides.
“There’s a man here who say’s he can find Bella.” Alice almost whispered and I don’t know if that was because she was afraid to get her hopes up or because she was afraid I might kill him before I got any answers.
Randell parted the women like Moses did the Red Sea he had a brunette man by the scruff of his neck as he led him in.
Carlisle gasped in recognition. “Randell had did you find him?”
“Didn’. He came t’ me.” Randell replied flicking the mans bloody ear. I take it Randell worked him over pretty good before bringing him here.
I shirked of my brother and came to stand before the stranger. Well I guess he really wasn’t a stranger. I knew who he was now I’d just never had the displeasure. “And why, Demetri, would you do a stupid thing like that?” I asked him jerking his chin upward to look me in the eye.
He didn’t answer at first and I couldn’t make out if he was just scared or trying to figure out how much to tell us. I applied more pressure to his already mangled jaw. “I can help you get your Bella back. I know who has her.” He said wincing through the pain.
I growled and drew my weapon placing it directly under his chin. The safety was off an all it would take was a slight pressure to the trigger and his brains would be a new abstract painting all over Esme walls. “Who?” I snarled through clenched teeth.
“Marcus…Volturi…” he gasped out.
Carlisle gasped in recognition. “Randell had did you find him?”
“Didn’. He came t’ me.” Randell replied flicking the mans bloody ear. I take it Randell worked him over pretty good before bringing him here.
I shirked of my brother and came to stand before the stranger. Well I guess he really wasn’t a stranger. I knew who he was now I’d just never had the displeasure. “And why, Demetri, would you do a stupid thing like that?” I asked him jerking his chin upward to look me in the eye.
He didn’t answer at first and I couldn’t make out if he was just scared or trying to figure out how much to tell us. I applied more pressure to his already mangled jaw. “I can help you get your Bella back. I know who has her.” He said wincing through the pain.
I growled and drew my weapon placing it directly under his chin. The safety was off an all it would take was a slight pressure to the trigger and his brains would be a new abstract painting all over Esme walls. “Who?” I snarled through clenched teeth.
“Marcus…Volturi…” he gasped out.
Edward scoffed from behind me and I fought hard not to turn the gun on him instead. “Marcus Volturi?” Edward asked disbelieving. “Why would that old geezer want with Bella?”
Edward made a good point. Marcus Volturi was ancient; the very first of the brothers. What would he want with Bella? He had no more desire for power and its not like he wanted a ransom. So why?
“I can explain…” Demetri wheezed out. “I brought someone who can bring us to her.”
I looked to Randell and he smiled. “Yeah, I got that one in me trunk.” he chuckled.
“Who?” I asked Randell intrigued but it was Demetri that answered.
“Jacob Black.”
Before I could stop him Edward lunged forward bringing Demetri to the ground with a thud. “Why should we believe you? You’re one of them!” He shouted.
“There’s some things you need to know about your Bella.” Demetri forced out while trying to keep Edward at bay. I nodded to Emmett and he pulled Edward back with no problem.
“I can appreciate what you’re trying to do but I don’t understand why you’d want to help us. You work for Marcus Volturi.”
Demetri looked at me with pleading eyes and I could tell he was begging me to believe him. “I don’t work for him anymore.” he said simply and I was getting to the point where I wanted to just blow a hole in someone. Anyone.
I looked at Randell. “Is he clean?”
“Yes, boss.” Randell replied.
I jerked my chin in Demetri’s direction. “Release him.”
Edward raged from behind me. “Are you fucking insane!”
“Boss, what should I do with the other one.” He asked already knowing my answer.
“Lock that piece of shit up down stairs. I want two guards on that door at all times.”
He bowed his head in respect at me then at Carlisle, Emmett and Edward.
I motioned that we should all take a seat. If we were going to plan a raid on Marcus Volturi we would be here for a while.
I sat myself down in the big leather chair behind the desk and Demetri followed suit taking the chair at my opposite. Carlisle and Edward taking the loveseat and Emmett positioning himself directly behind our captive.
“Now,” I said squaring my shoulders. “What do I need to know about my wife?”
Demetri smirked at me and I’ll admit it wasn’t the reaction I had planned for but then again neither was his reply.
“Bella’s my sister.”
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Edward made a good point. Marcus Volturi was ancient; the very first of the brothers. What would he want with Bella? He had no more desire for power and its not like he wanted a ransom. So why?
“I can explain…” Demetri wheezed out. “I brought someone who can bring us to her.”
I looked to Randell and he smiled. “Yeah, I got that one in me trunk.” he chuckled.
“Who?” I asked Randell intrigued but it was Demetri that answered.
“Jacob Black.”
Before I could stop him Edward lunged forward bringing Demetri to the ground with a thud. “Why should we believe you? You’re one of them!” He shouted.
“There’s some things you need to know about your Bella.” Demetri forced out while trying to keep Edward at bay. I nodded to Emmett and he pulled Edward back with no problem.
“I can appreciate what you’re trying to do but I don’t understand why you’d want to help us. You work for Marcus Volturi.”
Demetri looked at me with pleading eyes and I could tell he was begging me to believe him. “I don’t work for him anymore.” he said simply and I was getting to the point where I wanted to just blow a hole in someone. Anyone.
I looked at Randell. “Is he clean?”
“Yes, boss.” Randell replied.
I jerked my chin in Demetri’s direction. “Release him.”
Edward raged from behind me. “Are you fucking insane!”
“Boss, what should I do with the other one.” He asked already knowing my answer.
“Lock that piece of shit up down stairs. I want two guards on that door at all times.”
He bowed his head in respect at me then at Carlisle, Emmett and Edward.
I motioned that we should all take a seat. If we were going to plan a raid on Marcus Volturi we would be here for a while.
I sat myself down in the big leather chair behind the desk and Demetri followed suit taking the chair at my opposite. Carlisle and Edward taking the loveseat and Emmett positioning himself directly behind our captive.
“Now,” I said squaring my shoulders. “What do I need to know about my wife?”
Demetri smirked at me and I’ll admit it wasn’t the reaction I had planned for but then again neither was his reply.
“Bella’s my sister.”
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